Sexual Chocolate is Sexual
by The World's Biggest Fangirl
Summary: It's Valentine's Day at the Host Club, the perfect day for Tamaki to ask Haruhi out. But.. How will she react? Tamaki/Haruhi and Hikaru/Kaoru, oneshot.


**Title: **Sexual Chocolate is Sexual

**Pairing(s)/Character(s): **Tamaki/Haruhi, Hikaru/Kaoru, Kyoya, Renge, Honey, and Mori.

**Rating: **T

**Genre: **Romance/crack

**Warnings: **Slight perviness and twincest.

Haruhi was genuninely surprised that she hadn't dropped the ginormous pile of notes, flowers, and candy boxes she clasped in her arms, or, well, "she" should be "he." Haruhi was posing as a boy, after all. Last thing she needed was all the girls at school to know her secret and grow disgusted that they'd ever found _that _attractive.

It was Valentine's Day at Ouran High School's Host Club. That last sentence should be enough to give anyone nightmares. And the occasion was most definitely nightmare-inducing. Tamaki was flirting with the crowd surrounding him, catching swooning girl after swooning girl in his arms. How was he not dropping all of the crap he was holding? Maybe she should be taking notes.

Kyoya was busy selling photos to some very over entusiastic fans, and the twins were making out on a couch, surrounded by screaming girls.

...Wait. What? The twins had never done anything that crazy before. But Haruhi had no time to even ponder the many possibilities of why they were doing this before she was attacked by another swarm of females.

Her job- In fact, everyone in the Host Club's job- Was a lot harder now that Honey and Mori had gone off to college, especially since no one had replaced them. They'd lose Kyoya and Tamaki at the end of this year. She'd miss them, especially Tamaki though she hated to admit it.

The girls had finally left Haruhi to get some snacks when Tamaki started to come towards her, a hand hidden behind his back. Her heart began to pound. What was he up to?

He stopped, kneeling on the ground in front of her, and was trying to kiss her hand when Haruhi's pile of Valentine's collapsed on him.

"Are you okay?" she asked, worried, as she helped him up.

"Yeah... Except I have Swiss Chocolate down my shirt", Tamaki replied, beginning to shake wildly as if trying to get it out. After a while, the chocolates fell and hit the ground. "Want it still, Haruhi?"

She made a face. "Erm... No thank you. Do you have it all out?"

"Yes, I do! Now, back to the point." He got back on his knees and lifted her fingers to his lips. She snatched her hand away as soon as he kissed her skin, more out of shock than disgust. She worried a few seconds later that she had offended him, but he had been too busy thrusting a rose at her to really notice.

Haruhi took it, blinking. "..Tamaki, what the heck is this thing for?"

Tamaki broke out into a wide grin as he looked up at her. It was his attractive grin, the one that made every host club customer of his ever swoon. Although Haruhi had to admit it was hot, there was no way in hell she was going to swoon.

"Look around us. What do you see?" he asked in a whisper. Damn, she hated whispers. They sent shivers down her spine. But she complied with his request anyways. By now, all of the girls were watching them. Some of them were fangirling, others were giving Haruhi death glares.

"...A bunch of damn boy crazy rich girls with too much time on their hands", Haruhi replied.

"That's right! Girls!" Tamaki exploded happily. It was loud, loud enough in fact to make Haruhi wince and rub her ears. "Look at all the girls I could date! ... But I don't want them."

A collective "Awwww", and even a "Bitch I am going to kill you!" could be heard from the crowd.

"...Why not, Tamaki? Let's see, they're filthy rich, they're easy targets..." Haruhi trailed off. Her heart was pounding so loudly that she was surprised that no one could hear it. But why? She didn't like Tamaki.. She couldn't like him!

"Because they suck-" a shoe hit Tamaki in the face. He screeched in pain and clutched at his cheek. After regaining his composure, he cleared his throat before saying, "I mean, their beautiful looks, fashion sense, great personalities, vast riches, and sex appeal are all next to nothing when compared to yours!"

Haruhi stared, desperately fighting the blush that was threatening to cross her face. "Senpai, I'm dirt poor. And.. I have sex appeal?"

Tamaki's face reddened. "I-I guess..." He recovered shortly after and stood up before leaning his face into hers and pecking her lips.

"Tamaki is serious?! He's seriously gay?! I'm done!" screamed one girl, storming out. She was missing a shoe.

Haruhi backed away as soon as Tamaki's lips left hers. She was staring at him, uncertain. "Tamaki..?"

"Haruhi, you are amazing. I'd love to make you mine", Tamaki stated in the same alluring manner he used on his customers. Except, this time, he sounded serious.

"...Are you asking me out?" Haruhi asked.

"...Yeah." Tamaki said, making a face.

"Are you alright, Senpai?" Haruhi looked puzzled.

"Yes, he is alright. You just messed up the prince's groove for a while", Kyoya offered from his seat.

Sure enough, Tamaki had recovered and was holding her hand once again. "I'd ask you to marry me now, but I don't want to rush. I want time to get to know you better, and for you to get to know me."

"Marriage... Wow.." Haruhi looked overwhelmed.

"Is gay marriage even legal here in Japan?" whispered a girl to the Hitachiin twins. They both shrugged.

Tamaki had a dreamy look on his face as he cooed, "Our children will be so cuuute!"

"Kyoya, can boys even get pregnant?" Renge asked, making a face.

"No, they cannot", Kyoya replied calmly.

The girls in the crowd all started freaking out. "Tamaki has lost his mind!" they screamed.

"Children?...Senpai, this is a lot of pressure... I need to think!" And with that, Haruhi retired to Tamaki's emo corner.

Everyone watched as she sat there. "That's my emo corner!" Tamaki wailed worriedly.

"Tamaki, I think you're a bad influence on her", Hikaru commented after a while.

"Me... A bad influence on my Haruhi?!" Tamaki's face paled. A few seconds later, he found himself sulking in the emo corner with her.

"Nice going", Kaoru commented to his brother, dodging the punch that followed with a chuckle.

"Don't fight, you two", Kyoya scolded. "You'll cut our profits drastically if you continue to bicker."

Meanwhile, Haruhi was busy examining her past, wondering just what Tamaki meant to her. After a while, she realized that one occasion in particular stood out. She decided to focus her meditation on it.

It had been summer, the week before Mori and Honey had had to leave for college, when the event she was recalling had happened. All of the hosts in the Host Club had gone to a fair, to experience more "commoner fun" before Honey and Mori were lost to them forever.

They were walking along the fairway when Honey spotted a ferris wheel. He pointed to it, a mix of wonder and fear glowing in his eyes. "Haru-chan?" he asked in a whisper.

"Yes?" she had replied, glancing at him curiously.

"Is that scary?" Honey asked.

Haruhi shook her head no. "It's a lot of fun to ride!" She gave him a reasurring smile.

"Fun?!" The Hitachiin Twins piped up in unison. They walked over and slung their arms over Haruhi's shoulders. "Ride it with us then!"

"Sorry, only two people can ride on one cart." Haruhi shoved them away, exhaling in relief.

"Then ride it with just me!" Hikaru begged.

"No! My beloved Haruhi is not riding a Ferris Wheel with the likes of you!" Tamaki butted in, again, as he often did with things pertaining to his beloved "daughter".

Haruhi sighed, and then got an idea. A little smile crossed her face as she said, "I haven't done anything with Tamaki for a while. How about I ride with him? Hikaru and Kaoru can ride together, and so can Honey and Mori."

She was surprised but relieved to find that Kaoru looked more than happy with this new development. Hikaru grudgingly agreed, and they boarded the Ferris Wheel. What she was _not_ relieved about was how excited Tamaki was.

He had grabbed her handand dragged her onto the ride before she could even think about going to it. They were soon strapped in and up in the air. She couldn't help but roll her eyes as Tamaki joyfully flipped out over how fun the ride was.

"Senpai, you do realize that all this ride does is go around in circles slowly, right?" Haruhi asked, amused.

"Yes, but you're here! Nothing is ever dull with you here!" He smiled, and was reaching for her hand, when...

"Tamaki, you womanizer!" screamed the twins in unison from the seat behind them. His face had turned bright red.

"Hush!" Haruhi scolded. "He's fine."

Tamaki had smiled at that. "See, you two? My daughter is fine with it."

"...Don't call me your daughter", Haruhi had stated after a long pause.

"Why not?" was Tamaki's reply.

She'd been unable to say why then, but she realized now that she'd said it because she wanted to be more to Tamaki. Damn, she'd fallen in love with the biggest idiot in the entire world.

She was vaguely aware of a strip of reddish-orange in her face, and someone calling to her, but ignored it. Something brown smacked her nose, and now she reacted, letting out a shout and backing away. She realized a few seconds later that the brown thing was just a chocolate box.

A hand was clasped around said chocolate box. That hand belonged to Hikaru, and he looked worried. "Haruhi..?"

"Yes?" She pushed herself to her feet and looked into his worried eyes.

"Are you alright?" He extended a hand to help her up.

She took it and stood on her feet. Her legs wobbled for a few seconds, but she steadied herself against the wall. "I'm just fine."

"Take these chocolates." Hikaru handed her the box. "They're from Kaoru and I."

Haruhi nodded and shoved the box into her jacket before leaning over and tapping Tamaki on the shoulder. He looked up at her blankly.

Sighing, she waltzed over to Kyoya. "Kyoya, I need some help here."

Kyoya sighed as well. Soon, both of them were leaning over Tamaki, shaking him wildly. Tamaki didn't even acknowledge that they were there, or that he was being shaken.

Haruhi groaned. She couldn't believe it would have come to this. But it had. "Okay, Renge, you get to sing now."

Renge grinned and opened her mouth. Out came several offkey Vocaloid songs.

The people surrounding her screamed and covered their ears. Tamaki blinked a few times before standing up.

Sighing in relief, Haruhi hugged him. He stared at her for a few seconds before returning it. "..Haruhi?"

"Yes, Tamaki?" Her eyes were closed in content.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm okay, Senpai."

"About your offer earlier..."

Tamaki's eyes grew wide. "Yes?"

"...I'll take it." Haruhi beamed at him.

He smiled back, and his eyes trailed down to rest on the bulge in her jacket. "Haruhi, are you alright?"

"Yeah..." She followed his gaze and her eyes narrowed slightly. "Senpai, what are you looking at?"

He reached forward and pulled out the chocolate box.

"Oh, that was for me from Hikaru and Kaoru." Haruhi let out a sigh of relief. Tamaki hadn't turned into a pervert while in his comalike state. A folded piece of paper plopped onto the ground as he dug into her chocolates. She bent down to the note pick the note up. "He's lucky I don't necessarily like sweets", she muttered as she unfolded the paper.

It read as follows;

"Dear Haruhi, It has come to both of our attentions that we want each other. Our act is no longer a lie. So stick with Tamaki. If he does something stupid, tell us and we'll beat him up.

P.S. Ménage à Trois sometime?

-Hikaru and Kaoru"

She cleared her throat, trying to find words to address the twins' newfound relationship. After a while, she decided to ask Tamaki what the French at the bottom of their letter meant instead. He was bound to know, and besides, French was a lot less creepy subject than twincest to discuss.

"Senpai?" She asked, handing him the letter.

Tamaki scanned it over, making a face when he reached the bottom. Tamaki tossed the paper to the ground. He turned to glare at the laughing twins. "I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You. Two."

* * *

A/N: I had the need to write this, especially since a great deal of Ouran fanfiction is poorly written. It's sad.  
Random title is random.


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